"From Hell to Heaven" Severus/Lily M/E

Quote from Robaku90 on July 12, 2024, 11:03 am

❤❤❤❤

Quote from Sigrun on August 21, 2024, 1:20 pm

A new chapter! 🙂 Here are links to AO3 and ff.net

I'm still looking for a beta so if anyone's interested in editing next chapters, let me know.

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Chapter 6

A New Home

“Severus, please,” Dr Shephard was almost begging. “Just one meeting. You don’t have to talk much; just listen to her.”

Dr Shephard had been trying to convince Severus to talk with a psychologist for a few days now. He wanted the meeting to take place before Severus’s testimony, but day after day, the boy blatantly refused.

“I want to release you from the hospital tomorrow, but I can’t do that if you don’t talk with a psychologist,” Dr Shephard tried again.

“You won’t release me if I don’t talk to her?” asked Severus.

Dr Shephard seized his chance and nodded. In truth, he would release Severus either way (and he felt bad for lying to him), but he really wanted the boy to agree.

Severus scowled at the doctor. “Right, then I’ll meet with the psychologist. But I'm not going to tell her anything.”

Dr Shephard almost ran out of the room, before Severus could change his mind. He returned two minutes later with an elegant woman in her forties. She smiled kindly at Severus and sat down in a chair next to his bed.

“Good morning, Severus. I'm Anita Smith. I’m a psychologist, and I work with children and teenagers. Thank you for agreeing to talk with me today.” Severus nodded in greeting. Ms Smith turned to Dr Shephard who was standing beside her. “I think you can leave now, Daniel.”

“Yes, yes, of course,” the doctor reflected, leaving the room and closing the door behind him.

Ms Smith turned back to the dark-haired boy. “So, Severus, could you tell me more about yourself so I can get to know you better?”

Severus looked at her curiously, with a strange glint in his eyes. “I’m a wizard,” he said in a serious voice. “I can fly on a broom and do magic.”

He almost laughed out loud seeing Ms Smith’s surprised expression. She obviously hadn’t expected that.

“That’s- that’s interesting,” she tried to collect herself. Dr Shephard hadn’t told her that the boy was delusional. “Could you tell me more?”

Severus smirked. “That was a joke. I wanted to see how you’d react. I'm sorry. Obviously, I’m not a wizard.”

“Okay, you nailed that joke, I admit. And it lets me know that you have a good sense of humour. What else can you tell me about yourself?”

“What would you like to know?”

“You can tell me about things you like - about your friends, your school,” Ms Smith suggested.

Severus thought for a while. He didn’t want to tell her anything too personal and obviously he couldn’t tell her the truth about the school. She would send him to a mental hospital if he did.

“Well, I like Elvis Presley. I like reading and going to the cinema. At school, I’m good at history and... chemistry.” Severus made that up on the spot. He hoped she wouldn’t ask him any questions about chemistry or Muggle history.

“I heard you go to a boarding school?”

“Yes, it’s located in Scotland.”

“Do you like it?”

“It’s a good school,” Severus said. “I learn a lot. Teachers are competent. Well, most of them.”

“What about your friends?”

“There’s Lily. We met when we were nine, here in Cokeworth. We've been best friends ever since. We go to school together. We’ve been a couple since March.” Severus smiled at the memory.

“It’s great,” Ms Smith said. “Could you tell me more about Lily? What's she like?”

“She’s -” Perfect, Severus wanted to say. “She’s smart, kind, funny, beautiful. She's been a real support for me over the years.”

Ms Smith nodded and wrote something down in her notebook. “Do you have other friends?”

“Um... not really,” Severus muttered, somewhat ashamed. “I like Petunia, Lily’s older sister, but we don’t go to school together so I only see her during the summer. I have classmates; some of them are alright, but I won’t call them friends.”

“Could you tell me about your relationship with your parents?”

Here we go, Severus thought. She wanted to put him off guard - lull him with her pointless questions about school and friends - before asking what really interested her the most.

“I don’t want to talk about them,” Severus said softly.

“Why not?”

Severus snorted. “You know everything, right? What happened to me? What my father did?”

“Yes, Dr Shephard told me that you’d been beaten and sexually assaulted,” said Ms Smith. 

“Then you should know why I don’t want to talk about my parents, especially my father,” said Severus, not bothering to keep rudeness out of his voice.

“It’s good to talk about traumatic events with others. It doesn’t have to be me. It can be someone else, preferably someone close to you,” said Ms Smith.

“I talked a bit with Lily about this,” admitted Severus. “But I don’t want to burden her too much.”

“I understand. It's wonderful that you have a loved one who is willing to listen and support you. It's very important to have someone like that. It’ll help you to heal. But Lily is very young and I think this situation is also difficult for her; she may not yet have the skills to deal with it herself. It's very wise that you don’t want to burden her too much, that you want to protect her. I think Lily would also benefit from a meeting with a psychologist.”

“She’s had one already. She said it’d helped her a lot and tried to persuade me to agree to meet with you,” said Severus begrudgingly.

“Wise girl,” Ms Smith smiled. “However, you should talk with an adult. Maybe with Lily’s parents? They're your foster parents now; I've talked with them, and I know that they think about you as their own son. A parent is someone you should feel you can trust; someone who listens to you and helps you whenever you need.”

“Lily’s parents are great, and I know they love me, and I love them, too. They know everything that happened – they were present during my testimony – they've been a huge support for me, but - I don’t know them that well. I don’t think I feel comfortable telling them everything - telling them how I feel about all this -

“Sometimes it’s easier to talk with a stranger,” said Ms Smith. “We, psychologists, are trained how to professionally help patients with traumas. I'm here to listen to you, to teach you how to understand your feelings, and how to cope with your difficult past. But I can’t do anything if you don’t want my help.”

“It’s just - I don’t think I need all this psychological stuff. I'm fine, really. I don’t want to talk about my feelings and emotions. I never do that. It’s a waste of time.”

“It’s not. Believe me, it helps a lot. But I understand that it may be hard. If you’ve never shared your feelings and thoughts with others, it is difficult to suddenly start doing it.” Ms Smith appraised Severus for a while. “Why don’t we try it a little bit? Just a few questions, so you may see how ‘this psychological stuff’ works. What do you say?”

Severus scowled. She didn’t give up easily. He nodded reluctantly, thinking that if he answered a few of her stupid questions, this whole meeting would end a lot quicker.

“Alright, then,” said Ms Smith. “What do you feel when you think about your father?”

“Anger,” answered Severus. “Pain. Sadness.”

Ms Smith waited for a while, wanting Severus to elaborate, but the boy went silent. “And this anger -” she prompted him, “- is it towards you father or also towards someone else?”

Severus thought for a while. “Mainly towards my father. But sometimes I'm also angry at my mother. She could’ve done something to protect us from his abuse. She had means but she refused to use them. I love her but she did nothing to stop him and I resent her for that.” Severus was silent for a moment. “I feel angry at myself, too.”

“Why? Do you blame yourself for what happened?” asked Ms Smith.

“No, I don’t blame myself. It's all my father’s fault; he was too strong for me to fight him. But I could have told someone about my situation at home. Yes, he threatened me that if I said anything to anyone, he would lock me in my room forever, but I could have told Lily’s parents. They would’ve never let me return to him. Or I could have gone to the police or social work.”

“Do you know why you didn’t do any of that?”

“I guess I was too proud to admit to anyone that I was being abused. I didn’t want to burden Lily and her family with my problems. I thought that the police or social workers would just ignore me. Now I know they would’ve helped me. If I had told anyone, I wouldn’t have suffered so much. That's why I’m angry at myself.”

“It’s very wise and mature, what you’ve said. To see and admit to one’s mistakes is something many people struggle with. Most tend to blame everything on others and fail to see their own faults. That’s not to say that you’re to blame for anything in this situation and I’m glad that you understand that. As you said, it’s your father’s fault, he was stronger, he threatened you, he had power and control over you in every aspect. In difficult and traumatic situations people sometimes forget that there are ways in which they can help themselves. Or they are too ashamed to ask for help, seeing it as a weakness. But sometimes asking for help takes more courage than enduring everything alone.”

Severus just shrugged, not wanting to admit that she had a point.

“And how do you feel now?” Ms Smith asked.

“Irritated,” Severus said swiftly.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to talk with you,” said Severus.

Ms Smith just smiled slightly. “How have you felt this past week, since you woke up after the surgery and learned that your father had been arrested?”

“Great. Excellent, even. I can’t remember the last time I was so happy. If it wasn’t for my mother’s death, everything would be perfect. But she died a few months ago and I had some time to accept it, so it doesn’t sadden me so much anymore.”

“How do you sleep? Do you have nightmares?”

“No, I don’t” Severus answered, perhaps too quickly to be believable. It was a lie; he had nightmares very often - about werewolves, about his father. The worst were dreams in which he joined the Dark Lord, lost Lily and then became responsible for her death. They were sometimes so real that he was badly shaken for a few days afterwards. But he wasn’t going to share that with a woman he barely knew.

“Do you experience flashbacks? When something, for example a sound, a smell, reminds you of a traumatic experience, makes you relive that situation again?” Ms Smith asked another question.

“No, I haven’t experienced anything like that. Not yet,” answered Severus, this time truthfully.

“Any panic attacks?”

“No,” Severus said again. “See? I'm fine, really. I don’t need any psychological help.”

Ms Smith again just smiled. Severus had a sudden strong urge to wipe that smile off her face.

“Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?” Ms Smith asked gently.

“No, never,” said Severus. Despite everything his father and Potter’s gang had done to him, he’d never, not even once, thought of ending his life. He still had Lily, still had hope that in a few years he would be free of their abuse. He considered suicide a weakness, an easy way out.

“When you think about your future, are you positive or negative about it?”

Severus couldn’t answer her question truthfully. He couldn’t tell her about the war in the wizarding world, or the constant bullying from the four Gryffindor boys, or the ever-growing pressure from some Slytherin housemates to join the Dark Lord after school, or the alienation he received from those Slytherins when he had admitted before summer break that he didn't want to become a Death Eater anymore.

Having decided that it was pointless to continue their conversation if he couldn’t be honest, Severus answered: “Positive, I think. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to carry on with our meeting. I’m tired and I really don’t see a point in those questions. Can we finish this?”

“If that’s what you want,” said Ms Smith. “Thank you for your time and for answering some of my questions. You're a smart and brave young man, Severus. You seem to handle this situation pretty well. You understand and control your emotions, though you tend to keep them to yourself. It's good that you have love and support from Lily and her parents; it’s a great asset. However, I’m worried about your school; I think there’s a lot you haven’t told me about it. I hope you’ll get support from your classmates and teachers once you’re back there.

“Still, I think you will benefit greatly from psychotherapy. It doesn’t have to be long; a few months of regular meetings should suffice. You don’t have to decide right now, but I want you to give it a thought. You may think you don’t need it, but in a few weeks or months you might change your mind. I'm willing to conduct your psychotherapy but I live here - in Cokeworth - so once you’re in Scotland, it’ll be impossible for us to meet. But if you decide to undergo a therapy, I can recommend a few specialists that work near your school.”

“I’ll talk with my headmaster; I’m sure he’ll be able to arrange something,” said Severus. “If I ever decide that I need it.”

“Alright, then.” Ms Smith gathered her notes and stood up. “I’ll leave my contact details with your foster parents. If you want to talk again before you go back to school, don’t hesitate to contact me. I wish you all the best, Severus. Goodbye.”

“Thank you, goodbye,” Severus said and watched as Ms Smith left the room. As the door closed, he gave a great sigh of relief. Just as he had suspected, this meeting had been completely pointless, moreover extremely unpleasant. He would never agree to therapy. He would rather spend a week locked in a room with Potter and Black than talk with some psychologist about his past and analyse his emotions and thoughts.

---

Ten days after the surgery, Severus was released from the hospital. His blood results were back to normal and thankfully tests for sexually transmitted diseases came back negative. His nose was healing nicely and Dr Shephard removed the dressing from it but cautioned Severus to avoid contact sports and fights for a few weeks. The surgery wound was healing without any complications but Dr Shepard decided to leave the sutures for a few more days.

Mr Evans picked up Severus and together they drove home, making a short stop to buy some groceries. As soon as they parked on the driveway, Lily burst out of the front door of the house and helped Severus out of the car. He didn’t really need help, his wound didn’t hurt except when he moved too suddenly, but he let Lily help him to humour her.

“Welcome home, Severus.” Lily couldn’t contain her excitement when she led Severus into the house. The house that, from now on, Severus could call his home.

Inside, he was greeted by Petunia and Lily’s mother. They both hugged him (Severus couldn’t remember if he had ever shared a hug with Petunia), and Laura asked if he was hungry.

“No, I ate breakfast in the hospital,” Severus said.

“You must be tired of the hospital food. I imagine it can’t be very tasty,” said Laura.

“It was fine. I’m not picky.”

“I can make you scrambled eggs. You like them, right? Or sausages and toasts, if you prefer. Or -”

“Mum, Severus said he’s not hungry,” Lily interrupted her mother.

“He’s a teenage boy. They’re always hungry. And after not eating properly for a month and after a major surgery he needs a lot of food. He's much too thin.”

“I’m alright, really,” said Severus quickly. He didn’t like when people commented on his weight. “I’m not hungry, I promise. I'll let you know when I am.”

Laura looked at him sceptically but said no more. Lily took Severus’s hand and dragged him upstairs.

“Come on, Sev. You must see your new room.”

They entered the guest bedroom, in which Severus had slept a few times over the years. He stood mesmerized on the threshold and looked at the room which was now his. The room was bright, with beige carpet and blue curtains. On the wall above the bed hung a big Elvis poster. The bed and the wardrobe in the corner weren’t new; the Evanses had bought them a few years ago when renovating the house. But they had got Severus a completely new desk and a chair that stood by the window looking out over the garden. On the desk he saw his wand and two photographs, newly framed: one with him and Lily, taken during their fourth year by one of her friends; the second photograph was of his mother, a Muggle picture taken shortly after Severus’s birth. Lily must have found it in his old desk's drawer.

On the new bookshelves, Severus saw his books and other possessions taken from Spinner’s End. To his utter surprise, there was also a shiny new record player and, next to it, a stack of vinyls. Severus didn’t own a stack of records; he had only five. He started looking through them.

“What is that?” he asked.

“That, I think,” said Lily, standing next to him, “is every single Elvis record they had in the music store. I told Mum it would be nice to buy you an album or two, but it seems she bought every one you didn’t have.”

“And a new record player.”

“That was Dad’s idea. He said that good music deserved good equipment.”

“But it’s too much...”

“No, it’s not.” Laura came in with a plate full of sandwiches. Lily rolled her eyes. “It’s a welcome home gift, Severus. I admit, I may have got a bit carried away in the music store, but I didn’t know which albums were the best, so I took everything you didn’t already have.”

“Thank you,” Severus said. He felt like a broken record. They were giving him so much and the only thing he could do was thank them. “Thank you for the new room, furniture, and everything. But honestly, it’s too much. I know you said you can afford it but these -” he gestured at the player and the records. “I don’t actually need these at the moment. They must’ve been expensive and I don’t want you to spend so much on me.”

“Sit down, Severus; we have to make some things clear.” As Severus sat down on the bed, Laura put the plate with an array of small sandwiches in his hands. “Eat, I want this plate empty.” Lily lingered near the door for a moment, then sat down next to Severus and took a sandwich, ignoring her mother’s knowing smile.

“I want you to understand our financial situation,” Laura said, sitting down on the chair and addressing the boy. “You come from different social background and your attitude towards money varies from ours. I want you to know that, while we’re not rich, we’re very comfortable. Richard and I have stable and good-paying jobs, and buying you a record player and some vinyls isn’t going to ruin us.”

“But you’ve bought me so much more,” Severus said.

“Yes, you’re a member of our family now, and we want you to have new and nice things, same as our daughters. In the beginning, we need to buy you many things; it’s understandable, and we can easily afford it. You needn’t worry about money; it’s our responsibility. When we buy something, rest assured that we can afford the expense.”

“Okay,” said Severus, a bit reassured. “It’s difficult for me to accept all these new stuff when all my life we had to count every penny while my father spent money on alcohol.”

“I know, Severus,” Laura said, smiling sadly. “You’re also going to get pocket money, a pound every week and some galleons for your stay at Hogwarts. As your foster parents, we get some allowance from the government and we decided to deposit that money in a bank account. Once you’re eighteen that account will be yours. Lily and Petunia also have such bank accounts. You’ll have some money when you decide to start living on your own.”

What Laura didn’t tell Severus was that they were putting some extra money in Severus’s bank account, in addition to what they received for fostering him.

“It doesn’t mean that you have to leave us once you’re of age,” Laura continued. “You can live with us as long as you want, especially if you decide to continue education after Hogwarts. And even when you’re independent, we’ll always be ready to help, whenever you may need us.”

“Thank you.” Once again, Severus didn’t know what else to say. He took a sandwich, while Lily helped herself to her third one.

“Lily, didn’t you eat breakfast?” asked Laura and sighed when Lily just shrugged in response. “I guess teenage girls are always hungry, just like teenage boys. Do you have any questions, Severus? Ask anything.”

“Yes, actually, I do have quite a few questions. I want to know what rules I have to obey in your household. What chores do I have?”

“Rules... there aren’t many. You can’t drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes until you’re eighteen. Of course, no drugs of any kind.”

Severus vehemently nodded. “Yes, of course.”

“You have to return home no later than nine, and when you leave the house you should tell someone where you’re going.” Laura looked sternly at both Lily and Severus. “I know you love each other and you’re teenagers with buzzing hormones, but I don’t want to become a grandmother just now. So, nothing more than kissing between you both until you’re out of Hogwarts at least, understood?”

“Mum!” Lily glared at her mother. Severus just nodded, blushing deeply, and not looking at either Lily or her mother.

“When it comes to chores,” Laura continued, “you should keep your room clean. Lily and Petunia take turns in vacuuming the house, so you’ll share that duty with them. Also some other works around the house and garden, like mowing the grass or raking leaves. Usually Richard and I do those things, I love gardening and Richard does most of home repairs, but sometimes we need help.”

“I’ll gladly help,” Severus said eagerly. “What about laundry? Washing dishes?”

“I do the laundry and we have a dishwasher.”

“I can cook. I’m quite good at that.”

“If you want to cook something you’re welcome to, but I don’t expect you to prepare meals for a whole family every day. Severus, you have holidays, you deserve some rest after the difficult school year and exams, not to mention the last month with your father. There're really not many chores for you and you must remember that you’re still recovering from the surgery. You cannot exert yourself too much.”

Severus hesitated before asking the next question: “What about punishments if I misbehave?”

“I hope you know we don’t use corporal punishments. We’ll never hit you or withhold food from you or lock you in your room. If you really misbehave, we may take away your pocket money for a few weeks, give you additional chores or deny you some entertainment, like going out with friends.”

Severus smiled mirthlessly. “Well, I don’t have any friends in Cokeworth beside Lily and Petunia.”

“Anyway, don’t worry about punishments. I'm sure Lily told you that we are quite lenient. In fact, I can’t remember the last time we gave a punishment to either Lily or Petunia.”

“I remember,” said Lily resentfully. “I was thirteen and Dad caught me smoking with Emily. You suspended my pocket money for a month and made me clean the whole house for two weeks.”

“Well, you can’t say you didn’t deserve that,” said Laura. “If you don’t have any more questions, Severus, rest a bit and eat these sandwiches. Lily, leave something for Severus,” Laura admonished her daughter as Lily reached for yet another sandwich. “If you feel up to it, I want us to go shopping in the afternoon. We need to buy you some clothes and shoes. It'll be good if you make a list of other things you may need. In a few days we’ll go to London and buy you new robes and other school supplies.”

Severus nodded and said: “I want to go to Spinner’s End and take some more things from there. Can we do it today?”

“I’m sorry but your house is currently being searched by the police. I asked the officer when he thinks they're going to finish but he couldn’t tell me. I promise, we’ll go there as soon as possible.”

Severus nodded and took another sandwich. Laura smiled and stood up but before she left the room, they heard a shriek from downstairs.

“LILY!” shouted Petunia. “There’s an owl here! With a letter!”

“Take a letter from it!” Lily shouted back.

“No way! It’ll bite me!”

Laughing, Lily and Severus went downstairs to rescue Petunia.

Quote from Robaku90 on August 26, 2024, 9:51 am

Cóż za smutna, ale pełna nadziei na lepsze jutro opowieść. Mam nadzieję, że Tobiasz zdechnie w męczarniach za to, co zrobił synowi. Cieszę się, że Severus ma u Ciebie takie silne wsparcie rodziny Evans! Z niecierpliwością czekam na dalszą część! Co za historia! 😪

 

What a sad story, but full of hope for a better tomorrow. I hope Tobiasz dies in agony for what he did to his son. I'm glad Severus has such strong support from the Evans family! I'm looking forward to the next part! What a story! 😪

Quote from Sigrun on October 17, 2024, 1:24 pm

If anyone's interested, here's a new chapter! 🙂 Links to AO3 and ff.net

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Warning: rape scene

Chapter 7

True Love Travels on a Gravel Road

The next day Severus was visited by Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, Madame Pomfrey and a witch from the Ministry of Magic Office for Child Welfare. She asked if Severus wanted to stay with the Evanses or if he preferred to be fostered by a magical family. When Severus firmly stated that he wanted to stay with Laura and Richard Evans, the ministry official updated Severus’s documents and added the Evanses as his foster parents. She informed them that they would get an allowance from the Ministry of Magic for taking care of a magical child.

Severus also told her about his suspicions that his father had murdered his mother. The witch from the Ministry informed him that Tobias, as a Muggle, would be tried by Muggle court, but because there was suspicion that he had killed a witch, the wizards would be able to secretly help the police to find evidence of the murder. Severus felt a surge of hope; wizards’ involvement in investigation would increase the chances of finding out the truth.

After the Ministry witch left, Severus reluctantly told Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey about what he had suffered from his father for all these years. He told them about the sexual abuse as well as the physical, though without any details. At first, he wanted to conceal that he had been raped but eventually decided to share that information after they had promised not to tell anyone. He knew Madame Pomfrey would find out anyway after casting her diagnostic spells, and he wanted to use Headmaster’s compassion and sense of guilt to his own advantage.

The mediwitch read through Severus’s medical documentation from the hospital, though the boy suspected she didn’t understand half of it. Then she cast complicated diagnostic spells to assess Severus’s health. With quite a surprise, she stated that Muggle doctors had done a good job, and Severus’s wounds were healing properly. She gave Severus a potion to improve his immune system, which he was supposed to take for the next few months. She also provided him with an ointment for the scars; with regular usage the scars would fade a little, but unfortunately Severus would bear them for the rest of his life.

She wanted to remove the stitches from the surgical wound but Severus refused. He was supposed to see Dr Shephard in a few days and knew that the surgeon would be furious if Severus had removed the stitches at home. Madame Pomfrey relented but told Severus to come to her on the first day of the new school year for a follow-up examination. Scowling, Severus agreed; he had had enough of doctors and healers for a lifetime.

Dumbledore listened to Severus’s story, his eyes glistening with unshed tears, feeling strong pangs of guilt. He couldn’t forgive himself for not noticing the signs of abuse in one of the students entrusted in his care. The Headmaster assured Severus that he would provide any help the boy may need. He offered a meeting with a counsellor who sometimes worked with Hogwarts’ students; he even proposed to arrange an appointment with a Muggle therapist if Severus preferred that. Severus politely declined, saying that he had already spoken with a psychologist and didn’t need or want more meetings. Dumbledore nodded, accepting Severus’s decision.

Then Severus decided to use a chance and asked if he could get a private dormitory. During his fourth year, he had heard that a Ravenclaw girl had had a private room, though he had never found out the reason why. He told Dumbledore that after the sexual assaults he was afraid to sleep in a room with four other boys. What he didn’t tell the Headmaster was that he could cast strong protective charms around his bed that would make anyone disturbing his privacy wish they hadn’t even thought about it. Dumbledore said that a private dormitory could be arranged; he would also inform Professor Slughorn of Severus’s situation and ask him to pay more attention to his students. Severus just shrugged; he knew Slughorn would do nothing. He was pleased with himself as he got what he wanted. He would be safe and wouldn’t have to spend more time than necessary with his stupid, though sometimes dangerous, classmates.

Madame Pomfrey and Dumbledore spoke for a while with Lily’s parents, then prepared to leave. On the way out, Dumbledore told Severus that he was always welcome in his office and that he would like to speak with Severus about his future soon. Puzzled, Severus agreed though he was determined to interact with the Headmaster as little as possible. He still hadn’t forgiven him for the way Dumbledore had treated him after the werewolf incident earlier this year. Black had only got six weeks of detentions and lost Gryffindor seventy points for attempted murder. Whilst he, Severus, after being almost killed or infected by a monster, had received a detention for breaking curfew, and had had to promise not to tell anyone that Lupin was a werewolf. To add insult to injury, Potter had got fifty points for saving Severus’s life. Severus held grudges for a long time, and Dumbledore’s new-found pity and care weren’t going to compensate for five years of Headmaster’s blatant favouritism of rich, pure-blood Gryffindors.

x x x

Severus was lying on his bed, listening to Elvis’s “American Trilogy”. He was delighted that he was able to listen to his favourite music whenever he wanted. At home, he could only do that while his father had been at work. Tobias Snape didn’t like anything, including music.

As the song ended, Severus heard a knock on the door.

“Come in,” he said, sitting up.

Lily peered inside. “May I?”

“Sure,” Severus said and got up to turn off the record player.

“I see you’re enjoying your new collection,” Lily said, taking the cover of the “Aloha from Hawaii” album and checking the track list.

“Immensely,” Severus said, smiling softly. “I can’t quite believe I have so many new albums to listen to. It's a pity I can’t take them all to Hogwarts.”

“Why not?”

Severus looked at Lily incredulously. “There’s no electricity at Hogwarts.”

Lily snorted. “Obviously. But wizards also listen to music, don’t they? Don’t you have parties in Slytherin common room with music and dances? I bet there’s a spell to make this record player rotate on its own.”

Severus couldn’t believe that he had never thought about that. “We’ll ask Professor Flitwick once we’re back at school. Take your records as well, we’ll listen to them in the empty classroom. And I have a private dormitory!” Severus remembered and beamed at the thought. “I can listen to Elvis whenever I want.”

Lily smiled seeing Severus’s happiness. She always loved her boyfriend’s smile, the way it lightened his black eyes and smoothed the harsh lines of his face. It was a pity Severus smiled so rarely.

“I’d like to talk,” said Lily, closing the door and sitting on the bed.

“About what?” Severus asked warily, sitting down next to her.

Lily took his hand. “Do you remember our conversation the day we got our O.W.L. results?”

Severus nodded, prompting her to continue.

“I want to apologise for the way I behaved that day. I made you uncomfortable with all this talking about having sex soon and then I touched you under your shirt and you obviously didn’t want that and I should have asked if you wanted and -”

“Lily, slow down,” Severus interrupted her. “You have nothing to apologise for. You did nothing wrong. I admit, the discussion about... sex was - is awkward for me but we’re a couple and we should talk freely about these things. I'm extremely happy that you’re honest with me and feel comfortable to tell me about what you want and need. When you touched me - well, we were kissing then so it was understandable for you to do that. I freaked out because I don’t like to be touched, especially when I’m not prepared for it. But you immediately stopped and that’s what matters. You didn’t know then what my father had done to me so you couldn’t have predicted that I would react so badly. I don’t want you to blame yourself for anything.”

“Severus,” Lily said, stroking his long fingers. “I don’t want you to feel pressed to have sex or any other kind of sexual activity with me. We can just hug and kiss. I will wait as long as you need. I don’t want you to do anything if you’re not completely ready and sure. I don’t want you to force yourself for me.”

“Thank you,” Severus said, looking at Lily with gratitude. “You need to know that right now I’m not ready for anything more than kissing. The idea of having sex terrifies me. I don’t know when I’ll be ready for it. It may take me some time.”

“I don’t care if it takes a year or five years,” Lily said with conviction. “I will wait for you.”

“You’re just saying that now. Eventually, you’ll get tired of waiting and find -”

“Don’t you dare say that I’ll find someone else!” Lily said angrily. “I’m with you, Severus, for good and for bad. I won’t leave you just because you don’t want to have sex. Yes, I’m curious and I want to try it sometime, but it really isn’t that important to me. If I was raped and wasn’t ready for sex yet, would you leave me, Severus?”

“Never! I would never do that.”

“I know. Don’t doubt me, then, Severus.”

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “It’s just - sometimes, I still can’t believe that you’re my girlfriend, that you want to be with me at all. And what my father did, isn’t really good for my self-esteem.”

Lily smiled sadly.

“I want you to know,” Severus continued shyly, “that even if I hadn’t been raped, I wouldn’t have been ready for sex yet. When we started dating, I was thinking about us having sex and decided that I didn’t want to do that yet. I think we’re too young, we’ve only been together for a few months. So it isn’t just because of what happened that I want to wait.”

“That’s okay. I would never press you into anything.”

Severus looked down at their entwined fingers. “Lily?” She hummed in response. “Aren’t you... disgusted by me? You really want to have sex with me after knowing what my father did to me?”

“Oh, Sev,” Lily said and hugged him fiercely. Severus flinched at the unexpected touch. “How could you think that?”

“Well, I’m disgusted by myself. I never liked my body but now... I feel dirty, broken. Used. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to touch me after him, after everything he did.”

Lily released Severus from the embrace and looked him in the eyes. She had tears in hers. “Severus, you’re not broken or used. What your father did is disgusting, he is disgusting, not you. I love you, all of you. Your body, your mind, your soul.”

“You haven’t seen my body. Not all of it, at least. It's not pretty. I have... scars. Lots of them.”

“It doesn’t matter to me. They're part of you and as I said I want to cherish all of you. Even your greasy hair.”

Severus looked at her offended. “It’s not so greasy anymore. When I wash it every day, it’s okay, but sometimes I don’t have time or forget to. At home I don’t wash it as often as I should because very often there’s no hot water and I hate cold showers. But I wash myself every day,” he added quickly. “Quick cold shower I can stand but when I have to wash my hair in cold water... it's awful.”

“I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I noticed that your hair wasn’t so greasy this year. You know what? Even Potter noticed it.”

Severus scoffed. “Doesn’t stop him from calling me ‘greasy git’.”

“Yeah, he’s so mean. Him and Black. I really hope McGonagall and Dumbledore won’t be so lenient towards them this year. Is Dumbledore going to tell all the teachers what happened to you?”

Severus paled at the thought. “Merlin, no, I would never return to Hogwarts if he did that. Only Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey know everything. He said he’d tell the rest of the teachers that I had been severely injured during the summer, no details.”

“And Slughorn? He’s your Head of House after all.”

“He doesn’t need to know. I don’t trust him. The fewer people that know, the better. You won’t tell anyone, will you?”

“Of course not!”

They sat in silence for a while, Lily stroking Severus’s hand.

“May I kiss you?” she asked suddenly.

“Yes,” Severus answered without hesitation.

She got closer to him, her hands hovering over his thin face. Severus nodded his consent and Lily trailed the fingers of her right hand over his hooked nose, burring her left hand in the hair at the back of his head. Severus gently embraced her, caressing her back. He moved still closer to her, inhaling her sweet scent deeply.

Lily finally breached the gap between them and their lips met. It was a tender, delicate kiss, as if they were kissing for the very first time. Severus lost himself in the blissful moment, feeling Lily’s soft lips on his. But the bliss was quickly shattered.

Unbidden memories of his father forcing himself on him came to the front of his mind. He had the sudden urge to push Lily away. He felt dirty, and couldn’t comprehend how Lily could be comfortable with kissing him. She knew the despicable things his father had forced him to do. Severus shuddered.

Lily noticed his shiver and broke the kiss. “Are you all right?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” Severus said hastily. “Just a bad memory. Don't stop. Let's make new good memories.”

Their lips met again and this time Severus, feeling a little bolder, deepened the kiss. He brushed his tongue along Lily’s lower lip and felt, rather than heard, a soft moan in the back of her throat. She opened her mouth and their tongues touched. They kissed for a few minutes, more and more passionately. Severus even dared to kiss a soft spot under Lily’s jaw and nibbed her ear. He was rewarded with quiet moans and giggles.

They ended the kiss, both breathing deeply and looking rather flushed. Severus couldn’t avert his eyes from Lily’s green ones.

“You’re amazing,” he whispered. “I’m so lucky to have you. I love you.”

Lily smiled, never tired of hearing these words. “I love you too.”

“Thank you for staying with me.”

“Always.” Lily squeezed Severus’s hand.

He still stared into her eyes until she cleared her throat, which made Severus quickly look away, blushing slightly. Lily walked up to the bookshelf and shifted through Severus’s collection of records.

“What have you been listening to recently? Any new favourites?”

“A favourite, yes, but an old one. Want to listen to it?” Severus asked.

Lily nodded enthusiastically. While she wasn’t as big fan of Elvis as Severus, she still liked “The King” very much. Severus pulled out “From Elvis in Memphis” album from the shelf. It was the first one he had bought when he had been fourteen. He had denied himself any treats from Honeydukes, even had offered to write essays for his classmates for extra money, and finally had managed to save enough to buy what was considered Elvis’s best album. He loved all the songs on it, especially the last one, “In the Ghetto”, which strongly resonated with him. Recently, other song had captured his mind.

“It’s a beautiful song, hope you’ll like it,” Severus said, putting the record on the player and placing the needle at the beginning of the song. “I think this song perfectly describes you - and us, what we’ve been through. And I hope it will still fit us in the years to come.”

He turned on the player and after a short prelude Elvis’s voice started singing:

How many girls choose cotton dress worlds
When they could have satins and lace
And stand by her man, never once letting shade touch her face
How many hearts could live through all the winters
We've known and still not be cold
True love travels on a gravel road.

Love is a stranger and hearts are in danger
On smooth streets paved with gold
For true love travels on a gravel road.

Down through the years we've had hard times and tears
But they only helped our love grow
And we'll stay together no matter how strong the wind blows
Not once have I seen your blue eyes filled with envy
Or stray from the one that you hold
Oh true love travels on a gravel road.

Love is a stranger and hearts are in danger
On smooth streets paved with gold
For true love travels on a gravel road.

x x x

Severus anxiously peered into the living room. His father was sprawled in the old armchair, watching TV, a bottle of cheap whisky in his hand. Severus made a disgusted face at the sight.

“Sir?” he asked politely, approaching his father.

Tobias looked at his son, with contempt on his blotchy face. “What do you want?” he spat.

“I - There’s no food in the house and I’m hungry. I was wondering if you could give me some money so I can buy something,” Severus spoke quickly, before he lost his nerve.

“No food? I did some shopping yesterday,” Tobias said.

“That was three days ago. We ate the last of it for yesterday’s dinner. I haven’t eaten anything since then.” Severus's stomach growled as if on cue. “Aren’t you hungry?”

“I ate something at work,” his father said dismissively. “Well, don’t you have any money, boy? You should find yourself a job, you’re old enough.”

“I tried,” Severus admitted. “There’s not many jobs in the neighbourhood. I earned some money last week mowing the grass but I already spent it.” It wasn’t the first time they had no food at home. Severus kept asking around for any odd jobs but there wasn’t much to be done in the poor and desolate district. Whatever he earned, he almost immediately spent on food, painkillers and bandages for his more and more frequent wounds.

“What about that red-hair girl of yours?” Tobias asked. “Couldn’t you go to her house for lunch?”

“She’s away today. And I can’t go to her every day and ask for food. It's... humiliating. And it’s not her or her parents’ responsibility to feed me,” Severus said defiantly.

“You’re saying it’s mine, then?” Tobias narrowed his eyes ominously.

“I guess,” said Severus.

“Can’t you make some food with that magic stick?”

“You know I can’t do magic outside school,” said Severus softly. When his mother had been alive, he could have got away with it but now he was the only wizard in the neighbourhood and if he cast a simple spell, he would get a warning from the Ministry. “And it’s impossible to conjure food. Or money.”

“I knew this whole magic was pointless. Not only abhorrent but completely useless.” Tobias took a big gulp from the bottle. “Then I guess you have to go to bed hungry. I don’t have any money.”

“You don’t?” Severus felt anger swell up inside him. “You bought this bottle of whisky today. And there’s another bottle in the kitchen, I saw it. You have money for alcohol but not for food?”

“Be careful, boy,” Tobias hissed, standing up.

“You have money, I know you do,” Severus said desperately. “You just prefer to spend it on booze and gambling than to buy me some food or decent clothes. This whisky - it's not that cheap. You could’ve bought something useful for that money. Instead, you’re drunk and I'm going hungry, wearing rags.” Severus gestured to his baggy jeans and worn-out T-shirt.

“Shut up, boy!” Tobias said angrily. “It’s my business how I spend my own money.” He took a step towards Severus. “You shouldn’t speak to me like that. Didn’t I teach you a lesson two days ago?”

Severus paled. He still couldn’t completely comprehend what had happened that evening.

“Do I have to repeat this lesson?” Tobias asked.

“N-no,” Severus muttered, then gathered the courage and said in a strong voice, “You raped me. That’s what you did.”

“Call it what you want, boy. You deserved it for what you did. For what you are.”

“No, I didn’t,” Severus objected. “It’ a crime. I should report you,” Severus said boldly but the moment he saw his father’s face he knew he had made a huge mistake.

“Report me?!” Tobias shouted and slapped Severus across the face so hard that Severus fell on the floor. “They won’t believe you. Or they’ll put you in an orphanage and you’ll never return to that silly school.”

Severus pressed a hand to his stinging cheek. He looked up at his father with hatred.

“If you tell anyone anything, I’ll lock you in your room forever. You'll rot there. You'll never see your freaky girl again,” Tobias threatened.

“She’ll notice that I’m missing,” Severus tried to reason with his father.

“I’ll tell her that you ran away.” Tobias put away the bottle and grabbed Severus’s hair, forcing his head backwards. “It seems that the last lesson wasn’t enough.”

Tobias unfastened his belt and unzipped his trousers, still holding Severus firmly by his hair. Severus froze. He couldn’t believe his father was going to violate him like that again. He was still hurting and bleeding from the last time. He wouldn’t endure another.

“You said you were hungry. Open your mouth, then,” Tobias said viciously. He took out his penis, gave himself a few strokes and pressed it to Severus’s tightly shut mouth. Severus turned his head away, disgusted and terrified.

Tobias grabbed Severus by his jaw and forced his lips apart, then quickly shoved his penis into Severus’s mouth. Severus gagged; his eyes filled with tears.

“If you bite me or try to escape, I’ll knock your teeth out,” Tobias warned. “I promise I will.”

Severus knew his father would do that so he forced himself to remain still. Even if he had tried to escape, he would have had a hard time doing that as Tobias held his head in a powerful grip.

Tobias started to relentlessly thrust in and out of Severus’s mouth, painfully hitting the back of his throat each time. Tears were streaming down Severus’s face, spit dribbled down his chin. He had never felt so debased in all his life. Even two days ago, when his father had pinned him down onto the kitchen table and had forced himself into him, splitting him apart, Severus hadn’t felt so humiliated. He tried to Occlude, to distance himself from the ordeal, but he was unable to close his mind. He just focused on breathing and prayed that it would end quickly.

Tobias forced himself deeper than before and pressed Severus’s nose into his crotch. Severus gagged and retched, and desperately tried to move away, but Tobias held him until Severus thought he would suffocate. Finally, Tobias released him and allowed him to take a few deep breaths before thrusting again into his mouth. He repeated it again and again.

After a long time, Tobias finished in Severus’s mouth. The boy had no choice but to swallow the bitter come, unless he wanted to choke. Tobias let him go and returned to his armchair, a bottle of whisky back in his hand, looking completely undisturbed, as if brutally raping his own son was an ordinary thing. Severus was panting on the floor, spitting out his father’s semen.

“I hope that taught you to keep your mouth shut. Go back to your room,” Tobias said, turning back to the TV.

Severus rushed upstairs and to the small bathroom. He vomited what little he had in his stomach into the toilet. Then he vigorously brushed his teeth for ten minutes, until his gums were bleeding. Feeling utterly miserable, he went to bed, his stomach cramping in hunger pangs, and cried himself to sleep.

x x x

Severus woke up with a short scream. He sat up in bed, breathing quickly, looking confused around the moonlit room. Finally, he recognised where he was and sighed deeply in relief. He took a sip of water from the glass Lily’s mother had placed on the bedside table. He was drenched in sweat, from the stress of the nightmare as well as the hot summer night. He took off his wet T-shirt and was considering discarding his pyjama trousers when he heard a soft knock on the door.

“Severus?” the door opened a bit and Laura peered inside, her silhouette illuminated by the light from the corridor.

Severus gasped slightly and pulled the duvet up to his chin.

“Are you all right?” Laura asked concerned. “I heard a shout.”

“Yes, yes, I’m fine,” Severus said softly. “I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“Did you have a nightmare?”

“Yes, but I’m fine now. Don’t worry. Sorry again for waking you up.”

“Do you need anything? Do you want to talk about it?”

“No!” Severus said, a bit harshly, but he didn’t care. The last thing he wanted to do was to talk about his nightmares with Lily’s mother. “I’m sorry, but no, I don’t want to talk about it. Please, go back to sleep. I’m all right.”

“If you say so.” Laura didn’t sound convinced but knew better than to press Severus into sharing his problems. “Goodnight, then. Sleep well.”

“Goodnight,” Severus replied and Laura closed the door.

Severus fell down on the bed with a deep sigh. He was mortified that Mrs Evans had discovered that he had nightmares. He wished he had been of age and could cast a spell to sound-proof his room.

I should have used Occlumency, Severus thought darkly. He had discovered Occlumency in the beginning of the fifth year and had learned that it was used to close someone’s mind against Legilimency. The idea of someone entering his mind and seeing his thoughts and memories terrified him, so without hesitation he had decided to master Occlumency. He was also sure that the skill would prove essential in the upcoming war.

He had read as many books on Occlumency as he could find in the library, including the Restricted Section, and had started to practise it every day. It came to him very naturally, probably because of his private and secretive personality. He had never liked sharing his feelings and thoughts, he had learned at the young age to control his emotions, as he considered showing them too plainly a weakness; a weapon to be used by others against him.

He used Occlumency mainly before falling asleep and it helped immensely to reduce the number of nightmares. He also employed it successfully to control his stress before exams or his anger and frustration when dealing with Potter and his gang, though the Gryffindors made it difficult. He had also tried to use Occlumency during his father’s beatings and rapes, to separate himself from the pain and humiliation, but it had turned out he wasn’t skilled enough yet to close his mind in extreme stress.

He knew that if he wanted to become a proficient Occlumens, he had to exercise with a good Legilimens. He was aware that Dumbledore was very skilled at both Legilimency and Occlumency, and for some time Severus had been considering asking the Headmaster to give him some lessons or at least tell him where else he could perfect his skills.

He used Occlumency almost every night, especially this summer, but today had been such a good day, he had felt so peaceful and happy, that he had thought he wouldn’t need to Occlude his mind tonight. Obviously, he had been wrong. Once back at school, in private dormitory, he might try to sleep without Occlumency, but for now, to avoid waking up household and to protect himself from further embarrassment, he made a solemn promise to use Occlumency every night.

He closed his eyes and emptied his mind of any thoughts and memories, both good and bad. After a few minutes he fell asleep and slept without any dreams until the late morning.