Fuck, Marry, Kill: Harry Potter Edition
How to play: Someone posts three characters and you have to choose one to fuck, one to marry, and one to kill. Then you post three characters for the next person, etc.
Ready? Let's go!
James Potter
Sirius Black
Remus Lupin
Kill James, fuck Sirius, and marry Remus.
Way-too-detailed reasoning; James has so little meat to him beyond obsessive bully somehow-suddenly-turned amazing person and husband (although it's hinted that he misled Lily about his reformation), which I just can't believe without further info. Sirius always seemed super hypocritical and irresponsible to me, and frankly an extremist, even before Azkaban; also, his treatment of Harry had some creepy elements. That said, although he was also a bully, he allegedly had a promiscuous reputation; so between him and James he's probably the better fuck, and Sirius appears less creepy than James' years-long borderline-harassment of Lily showed him to be. Remus, although he was irresponsible in POA and basically abandoned nymphadora that one time when she was pregnant, is by far the most emotionally controlled marauder and therefore potentially less annoying.
Next 3:
Severus Snape (is it cheating to put him on this site?), Draco Malfoy and Luna Lovegood.
Kill Draco, fuck Luna, marry Snape.
Draco's a dick.... I don't really need to say anything else about that. I don't despise him, but of the three, he's the closest to James Potter.
I was struggling choosing between whether to fuck Snape or Luna, but then I remembered I'm straight, so I went with Luna.
I'd marry Snape. Draco might be rich, but Snape's extremely reliable. He might have some hang-ups about Lily, but I honestly wouldn't mind. I might not help him through it due a lack of experience in that sort of thing, but he might appreciate the gesture.
Yeah, those would've been my choices, too.
Did you want to suggest three new characters? You responded to the previous three, so it's technically your turn.
Oh shit, forgot about that.
Lemme see... Voldemort, Umbridge, and Fenrir Greyback
Okay, that's just evil. 😂
I'd fuck Fenrir Greyback. Sure, he's gross, but there's something to be said for rough, animalistic sex.
I'd marry Voldemort. Also gross, but at least he's powerful. Also, I'm sure he'd keep Bellatrix as a side piece, so maybe I wouldn't have to sleep with him that often.
I'd kill Umbridge. Seriously, I tried, but I just can't find any advantage with her.
Next three:
Hagrid, Vernon Dursley, Petunia Dursley
This one's surprisingly easier than I thought it would be:
I'd kill Vernon. He's a prick, and I don't want to kill Hagrid or Petunia.
I'd fuck Hagrid. Marrying him would prove to be extremely dangerous and stressful, and this is barring the illegally bred acromantula colony in the Forbidden Forest. I realize that Hagrid is probably the least hygienic of the three, but it's the only option I could tolerate in the long run.
I'd marry Petunia. She seems to be a good housewife who loves her (immediate) family.
Next three: Cedric Diggory, Viktor Krum, Fleur Delacour
Aw, hell. I don't want to kill any of these three.
I'd fuck Viktor Krum. Dark, sexy, hot accent… Yum!
I'd marry Cedric Diggory. In an alternate universe where he doesn't get murdered at 17, I'm sure he'd be a responsible, kind, and faithful husband.
I'd kill Fleur Delacour. Not that I want to, but she has less to offer than the other two.
Okay, I'm changing the rules for this one. Out of all the Weasley children, who would you fuck, who would you marry, and who would you kill?
Hmm... I'll say I have to do all three of those choices at least once, so I can't get out of not fucking, killing, or marrying anyone.
Bill: marry. He's a good dude, got a good head on his shoulders, got a nice stable job at Gringotts.
Charlie: fuck. I wouldn't marry him, just because he works with dragons; that's pretty dangerous.
Percy: ... marry. I wouldn't fuck him, but I don't hate him enough to kill him. He's got a secure job at the Ministry, and he has a no-nonsense attitude.
Fred: kill. He's not too good of a guy, when you look at what he does to people in the books.
George: ... kill. He's the same as Fred, but he's much more passive of the two. Unfortunately, passivity isn't a pass.
Ron: ... fuck. I know he's got an ugly side to him, but that side is reactionary to things that happen to him. Granted, he can spiral out of control, but I'm gonna be more lenient.
Ginny: ... this is tough. She's pretty vicious towards people whom she thinks have slighted her, so marrying her runs the risk of getting into an argument where she starts getting really personal. I don't know if I'd be willing to kill or fuck her, either. If I have to choose, I'll have to go with fuck.
As for my three: Myrtle, Nearly-Headless Nick, and the Grey Lady (pretend they aren't dead)
Oh, this is an easy one.
I'd fuck Nearly-Headless Nick, mainly just to get him out of the way.
I'd marry the Grey Lady. She's highly intelligent, calm, and quiet, all of which I'd appreciate in a long-term relationship.
I'd kill Myrtle, and I'd be smiling while I did it. Seriously the most annoying character in the whole damn series.
All right, let's do some Slytherins. How about Lucius, Narcissa, and Bellatrix?
