Quote from mmlf on August 20, 2023, 3:53 am

Very nice. The plot twist at the end was great as well. Remus Lupin has always seemed to be the least prejudiced of the group.

You just need to tweak some small spelling and punctuation errors in the piece (let me know if you're not sure where they are).

In future pieces, you might want to consider keeping the point of view either the same throughout each scene, or, if using two points of view, you might want to avoid describing the characters using inanimate objects.

Green eyes looked into black ones. And black eyes looked into green ones. 

That one isn't too bad.

Green eyes blinked before a small nod came from the red-haired girl, wanting the black-haired boy to continue.

This is one is unclear. I know what you mean, of course, but in the future, you might want to consider something like: "Lily blinked and nodded, waiting for Snape to continue." Or: "Snape stared into Lily's green eyes, waiting to see whether she wanted him to continue."

It's fun to play around with different possibilites!

Your vocabulary is very good. It's so impressive when someone can write fics in a foreign language. Well done!

Quote from Bol_Stark on August 21, 2023, 9:16 am

Quote from mmlf on August 20, 2023, 3:53 am

Very nice. The plot twist at the end was great as well. Remus Lupin has always seemed to be the least prejudiced of the group.

You just need to tweak some small spelling and punctuation errors in the piece (let me know if you're not sure where they are).

In future pieces, you might want to consider keeping the point of view either the same throughout each scene, or, if using two points of view, you might want to avoid describing the characters using inanimate objects.

Green eyes looked into black ones. And black eyes looked into green ones. 

That one isn't too bad.

Green eyes blinked before a small nod came from the red-haired girl, wanting the black-haired boy to continue.

This is one is unclear. I know what you mean, of course, but in the future, you might want to consider something like: "Lily blinked and nodded, waiting for Snape to continue." Or: "Snape stared into Lily's green eyes, waiting to see whether she wanted him to continue."

It's fun to play around with different possibilites!

Your vocabulary is very good. It's so impressive when someone can write fics in a foreign language. Well done!

Hey 🙂 Sorry, but I just now saw your reply here.

I would really like to know where the spelling and punctuation errors are, I can't find them but I'm sure it will help me with future fics.

You're right with the point of view and I will try to pay more attention to that.

Thank you very much, and I'm really happy that you liked the fic!

Quote from mmlf on August 22, 2023, 7:47 am

No problem:

1. Add a full stop before the dialogue tag in 'Save your breath.'
2. Use the dialogue tag that looks like 99 after 'slipped out' (if you look carefully, you'll see you've used two of the same)
3. Also here: can you?“ The tag in red needs to look like the number 99
4. Use a full stop or a semicolon after At least that was what Lily wanted to do 
5. “I told you –“ This red tag needs to be the other way around
6. For a moment seemed -Presumably 'it seemed'
7. and if she wouldn’t know for sure - 'and if she didn't know for sure'
8. Lilys -needs to be Lily's
9. and simply kissed her, -I think probably a semicolon ; after 'her'?
10.  they finally broke apart to breath -To 'breathe'
11. only you mattered,” a sigh escaped his -Two separate sentences. Use a full stop after 'mattered'
12. homelife -home life
13. out of fear to become a target -out of fear of becoming
14. anticipating that she would tell him that he is right -he was right
15. doesn’t stand a chance if he would be alone against you- if he were alone against you
16.  sure that she will get her Severus back- sure that she would get her Severus back
17. questingly- questioningly
18. what Mulciber did to Mary, a witness- full stop before 'a witness'
19. “You would do that?” She asked - No capital letter for 'she'
20. make sure that Lily doesn’t forgive Severus- didn't forgive Severus
21. stay silen- silent (I'm sure that was just a mistake.)
22. two people came over all their hardships- overcame all their hardships

Quote from Bol_Stark on August 22, 2023, 2:21 pm

Quote from mmlf on August 22, 2023, 7:47 am

No problem:

1. Add a full stop before the dialogue tag in 'Save your breath.'
2. Use the dialogue tag that looks like 99 after 'slipped out' (if you look carefully, you'll see you've used two of the same)
3. Also here: can you?“ The tag in red needs to look like the number 99
4. Use a full stop or a semicolon after At least that was what Lily wanted to do 
5. “I told you –“ This red tag needs to be the other way around
6. For a moment seemed -Presumably 'it seemed'
7. and if she wouldn’t know for sure - 'and if she didn't know for sure'
8. Lilys -needs to be Lily's
9. and simply kissed her, -I think probably a semicolon ; after 'her'?
10.  they finally broke apart to breath -To 'breathe'
11. only you mattered,” a sigh escaped his -Two separate sentences. Use a full stop after 'mattered'
12. homelife -home life
13. out of fear to become a target -out of fear of becoming
14. anticipating that she would tell him that he is right -he was right
15. doesn’t stand a chance if he would be alone against you- if he were alone against you
16.  sure that she will get her Severus back- sure that she would get her Severus back
17. questingly- questioningly
18. what Mulciber did to Mary, a witness- full stop before 'a witness'
19. “You would do that?” She asked - No capital letter for 'she'
20. make sure that Lily doesn’t forgive Severus- didn't forgive Severus
21. stay silen- silent (I'm sure that was just a mistake.)
22. two people came over all their hardships- overcame all their hardships

Thank you soooo much! I will edit it in the fic tomorrow 🙂

Quote from Robaku90 on March 15, 2024, 7:59 am

Quote from Bol_Stark on August 17, 2023, 3:06 pm

Last Option

Pairings: Severus/Lily

Characters: Severus, Lily, Remus

Rating/Warnings: T

Summary:
Severus isn't able to tell Lily why she is different, but maybe he doesn't need to tell her? Maybe a simple deed would say more than a thousand words?
When Lily is about to leave through the portrait back into the Gryffindor common room Severus knows that it might be his last chance.

Read on: AO3

Beautiful story!