Fuck, Marry, Kill: Harry Potter Edition
Kill Tom for the Greater Good, fuck James (because fuck James), and marry Draco for the money.
Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Neville Longbottom
Fuck Ron Weasley - He is tall and physically endowed, good for quick shag
Marry Draco Malfoy - For all that loaded Malfoy money and guy looks good also which is a sweet bonus
Kill Neville Longbottom - Sorry Neville but we are just not meant to be
Battle of DA Girls - Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood
Fuck Luna Lovegood
Marry Hermione Granger
Kill Ginny Weasley
All right, I'm going to get super gross with this…
Grawp, Troll (Sorcerer's Stone), a random Dementor
... ah fuck, this is cursed.
Firstly, kill the dementor.
Secondly... fuck the troll. I'm not proud of it... but fuck the troll.
Thirdly, marry Grawp. I can't kill or fuck him.
Now then... Aragog, Giant Squid, Boggart
- First fuck Boggart, for bragging about fucking my greatest fear
- Marry Giant Squid, he was considered worth dating by Lily and the things he could do me with tentacles
- Kill Aragog, ew.. gross and hairy, a good acromantula is a dead one
Now the battle of black sisters - Andromeda Tonks, Bellatrix Lestrange, Narcissa Malfoy
Easier than you might expect.
Kill Bellatrix: don't fuck crazy, don't marry crazy
Fuck Narcissa: she's attractive, but not crazy
Marry Andromeda: she's wholesome, probably, and looks similar to Bellatrix, so also pretty beautiful.
Now: the Ottery St. Catchpole dads. Arthur Weasley, Amos Diggory, Xenophilius Lovegood
Fuck Xenophilius Lovegood- He is handsome despite his eccentricities
Marry Arthur Weasley - He is the best canon husband material and will make me happy
Kill Amos Diggory - Too old for me, least interesting choice among options
Now choose among - Vampire, Werewolf, Inferi
Kill the Inferius because I don't do necro.
Probably fuck the werewolf, because I can't deal with a monthly murder machine.
Marry a vampire, but make sure to stock up on bloody meats and vegan blood substitutes.
Next batch: house-elf, goblin, centaur
Fuck the centaur *insert inappropriate comment about being hung like a horse*
Marry the house-elf. Not only would they devote themselves to making me happy, but they'd follow my orders without question (i.e. "Don't try to have sex with me. Ever.")
Kill the goblin. Ugly I can deal with, but not greedy.
Annoying female student edition:
Pansy Parkinson, Lavender Brown, Romilda Vane
I can't kill Lavender, so it's either Pansy or Romilda. On the one hand, Pansy's just awful, but on the other hand, Romilda tried to drug Harry with a love potion (date-rape drug) and ended up drugging Ron... wait, just read up on Romilda, she's the Gryffindor version of Pansy, but adding the date-rape drug. Kill Romilda.
With that out of the way, fuck Pansy. She might be racist, but she's not a potential rapist.
And I'll marry Lavender, with that out of the way.
Okay... Merope Gaunt, Eileen Prince, Lily Evans
