The First and Only Time (Severus/?) M
Characters/Pairings: Severus/?
Ratings/Warnings: Mature (profanity, mentions of sex, internalized bigotry)
Summary: In his final Easter holiday before graduation, Severus seeks comfort to take his mind off Lily and Potter.
The following is my challenge response to Challenge 20: The First Time.
It will be posted here before being posted on FFN and AO3 at a later time.
Severus stepped out of the apartment building and looked up at the neon sign above the doorway, his head now fully clear after what had transpired and the gravity of the situation weighing down on him as he reflected on what had led up to him coming here in the first place.
It began, firstly, with Lily officially dating James fucking Potter earlier that school year. James fucking Potter, of all fucking people in the entire fucking world, Muggle or otherwise. He hadn't learned of it until the week everyone returned from the Christmas holiday, where he'd seen the two walking together hand-in-hand down the corridor. Lily hadn't looked as enthused as Potter, which would've been some small comfort if not for the fact that she'd chosen to hold his hand in the first place; if she'd been truly unhappy about the situation, she'd have torn him down in front of the entire school like she used to. The only reasons he could think that she'd do something like this were either because she genuinely wanted to be with Potter (which was disgusting) or she wanted to hurt Severus specifically.
Severus didn't know if the first reason was true or not, but he knew it was worse than the second. He knew he'd ruined his friendship with her, and he couldn't blame her for wanting to take revenge on him; it hurt, but he wasn't in any position to talk, given what he'd chosen for himself. At this point, he wasn't even sure if he agreed with Mulciber's and Avery's views on blood status for Muggle-borns, but it was hard to ignore the way they criticized Lily for how she'd "cast Severus aside for Potter".
While they hadn't been explicit, they'd made comments about whether or not Lily and Potter had lost their virginities, or if they were waiting until they were married. This wouldn't have bothered Severus if not for rumors that Potter was planning on proposing, as well as Potter bragging about buying a ring for the proposal as he and Black (and Pettigrew) attacked Severus in secret. What only made things worse was the thoughts that filled Severus's head after the assault, unable to imagine a scenario in which Lily rejected the proposal. This meant, if she said 'yes', she'd marry Potter and have his children... which meant having sex. And Severus didn't want to exist in a world where Lily had sex with Potter.
Mulciber and Avery, once more not explicitly, had suggested to Severus that losing his virginity before Potter would be at least one victory against the spoiled pureblood. Severus didn't ask them if they knew any girls their age who'd be interested in 'helping him' (he didn't want to ruin a pureblood's marriage prospects) but instead asked for a loan for nondescript use, promising he'd pay them back once he had the money back. Converting it into Muggle currency had been simple enough; the hard part had been finding somewhere to 'purchase services' given the illegality of the business in question.
To Severus's fortune (and using information he'd picked up on during his summers in Cokeworth), he'd found someone in Birmingham who could provide what he was looking for, as well as an address. Which, of course, had led him to the apartment building he'd just exited. How he now felt, after having done the deed, wasn't what he'd expected to feel. Instead, there was a cold, sick sensation within him that didn't just feel physical; he felt unclean, but not just because of his partner. He'd lost his virginity because of Potter, and with someone he didn't love, and with that knowledge came a second wave of the same sickly sensation, this time born of hatred and spite focused towards two.
The first was James fucking Potter. The second was Severus fucking Snape.
