Round Robin: The Bond
“Hiya, Sev.”
“Lily.” Severus bowed his head in greeting. He opened the door wider and she bounced right in. “You seem to be in a good mood.”
An uncertain look crossed her face as she began unraveling her scarf from her neck. “Er, kind of. It’s more anxious energy, I think.”
She hung her outer layer on the coat rack and followed Severus to the heart of the home, taking a seat in front of a small square table.
“Is it Potter?” Severus asked mindlessly flicking his wand towards the cupboards in a well-practiced motion. “Tea?”
Lily beamed. “That would be lovely. It’s cold. We might have a snowy Christmas this year.”
Within seconds, tea was served and Lily sipped delicately from her cup before answering.
“No, not James. He’s more tamed now.”
Severus raised his brows skeptically as he took the seat opposite her.
“No, really. I think when Dumbledore put his foot down and gave him that ultimatum about staying in the Order, it woke James up. He’s really working to proving himself.”
“You mean, like he did the first time?” He said sardonically.
The room seemed to still in its silence.
Feeling like he overstepped himself, Severus quickly apologized.
Lily shook her head and shot him a forced smile. “No, it’s okay. You’re right.” She let out a long breath. “We won’t really know for certain. We’ll only know in hindsight.”
Not liking the weird feeling that settled in the room, Severus refocused the topic. “What has you anxious then?”
“Oh,” Lily said, pleased. “It’s your offer to spy alongside you. I would love to do my part in this war. With the Order we just rallied where they told us and pointed at a direction for us to shoot our spells at but I never felt like it did anything. There’s no bar for progression.”
Severus furrowed his brow. “And you think you’ll have that spying with me?”
“No,” Lily leaned back on her chair and took a long content sip. “I think it’s better because I’ll know right away once I hear something that it’ll be of some use. It helps that we’ll have each other’s back in this.”
Severus cradle his chin on his hand and gave her a tender look. “If that’s the case, I have news about the bond I want to test. I think I can share my Occlumency with you.”
Severus had a bit of explaining to do before Lily understood the subtle art of Occlumency and Legilimency, but eventually got the gist of it. If anything, this particular mind magic was as equally important to him as the magic he’d cast through his wand, and was the first thing on the list of things he wanted her to learn before even considering introducing her to the Death Eaters.
‘The Dark Lord seeks particular talents,’ he explained. ‘He wants me to brew potions, and I believe this may be your ticket in as well.’
‘What makes your think he won’t cast the Killing Curse on me as soon as I set foot over the threshold?’ Lily asked. ‘I am the very thing he seeks to destroy.’
Severus shook his head. ‘If you learnt anything from our Muggle history is that there’s always an appointed scapegoat,’ he said. ‘It’s a sure-easy way to gain followers, as most of them are Purebloods who share a common political stance.’
‘As well as old influence and money,’ Lily added. ‘Whatever works in their favour they will accept. I think I’m starting to understand it a bit better.’
A grin formed on his face. ‘The dark Lord’s not a Pureblood either,’ he said. ‘But that’s a story for another time. More tea?’
‘Yes please!’ said Lily happily as she held up her cup for the floating teapot. ‘Now, there’s something else that I’ve been meaning to ask you. And before you freak out or anything, I want you to know beforehand that I’m not mad at you. It’s just something that has been gnawing at me for some time now, and I need to clear the air about it.’
About a hundred different things flashing through his mind as she spoke those words out loud. ‘Was it about the day when he had called her a Mudblood? Did she think he regretted anything about their evening inside the Room of Requirement? Was she still not certain that his extensive knowledge on the Dark Arts really wasn’t anything more than an innocent interest?
‘Did you know that my parents died in a car crash?’ she said.
His mind shattered into pieces. ‘No,’ he said timidly. ‘No I didn’t know that. When did that happen?’ As soon as he asked the question, something clicked into place that had previously not been connected before. ‘Please don’t tell me it was on the same night my own parents died.’
“Night?” Lily said perplexed. “My parents died the same day but not at night.”
Severus’ pallor returned, a desperate hope in his eyes. “Hold on, I have a police report here. I didn’t bother to read beyond the first page because I found it all too depressing.”
With a swish of his wand and a murmured spell, there was a crash of something that sounded suspiciously like porcelain that had them both wincing before a manila envelope floated their way. Severus plucked it from mid-air.
“I never received a police report.” Lily said uncertain.
Severus flipped through the documents until he found the accident report. When he pulled out the page to bring it to the front, a folded sheet fluttered to the floor which Lily immediately collected. Severus disregarded it as he skimmed the report.
“It was a failure to stop. A classic hit and run,” he said flipping the page over to see if there was anything else written. “There’s not much information here.”
“Sev?”
Severus looked over the pages at Lily. “Hmm?”
“You had a settlement of £2.5 million.” She said stunned as she handed the paper back.
“From who?” He asked eyes immediately drawn to all the zeros written on the cheque.
“The government.” Lily extended her hand. “Can I see the rest of what you were sent?”
Severus wordlessly passed it on, mind already considering what new oppurtunities this would present after he briefly wondered if this could all be deposited to his Gringotts account.
“There was an entire case that was settled without you due to your status of being underage and attending a boarding school.” Lily sounded annoyed. “You were appointed a lawyer by the court and the proceedings ruled in your favor when the government released a report that an MI6 agent, chasing a suspect, skidded out of control that led your parents vehicle to swerve and crash. Their deaths were instantaneous. The government initially challenged it noting that Tobias had a revoked license during the time due to his alcohol abuse but it was overruled.”
Severus felt his skin wrinkle as a smile began to creep on his face. “So, they didn’t kill your parents?”
“It doesn’t look it, it wouldn’t have been your fault if they did.”
He wrapped his hands around Lily’s and bowed his head in relief. “You have no idea how this would have destroyed me.”
Lily was happy to learn that the death of their parents held no correlation, and yet she couldn’t help but feel something gnawing at her. Severus had gotten his answer, even if he hadn’t personally bothered dealing with it all the way up to this point. But now, for the brief moment in which she believed she held the answer, it shattered, and left a gaping hole that had previously not been there before. Did Petunia know more, perhaps?
The warmth of his hands was welcome in her own, and with a pang of guilt she remembered that James was waiting for her back home. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said as he pulled her hands away. ‘This isn’t fair to James.’
‘Implying that you must be feeling something too,’ Severus answered with a half-smile. ‘It’s okay. We’re in a very strange place, you and I.’
‘I’d feel terrible breaking his heart,’ said Lily, feeling foolish for saying it.
‘He cannot marry you no matter how badly he wants to,’ said Severus. ‘For him to look after you would mean that he would have to look after me too, or risk losing you. And knowing Potter, I am the very last person on the list of people he’d defend.’
A sense of frustration bubbled up inside of her. ‘That’s the thing,’ she said as she started playing with her hair. ‘Knowing him – he probably would if it meant that he could stay with me. But I don’t love him, Sev. I really don’t. I just chose him for safety, and –’
Lily started weeping, and instinctively Severus reached out for her hands again, rubbing his thumbs over the palms of her hands. She didn’t pull them back this time. ‘Remember our evening in the Room of Requirement?’ he said, taking the risk of bringing up this lingering topic that kept being left unspoken.
‘How could I possibly forget,’ Lily answered, and laughed a bit as Severus wiped a few stray tears of her cheeks. ‘We were both an absolute mess.’
‘You were a beautiful mess,’ said Severus, and planted a kiss on the top of her hand. ‘Do you think it’s wise to stay with Potter?’
Lily shrugged. ‘I suppose not,’ she said. ‘It’s not that easy – it never is. How about you come visit me in Godric’s Hollow, and we’ll talk it over. All of us.’
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Lily.” Severus said, with a distant look on his face, all manner of warmth gone. “I’m a patient man when it comes to you but I’m not immune to the pain of your indecision.”
Lily searched his face as he slowly dropped their hands. “What do you mean?”
Severus gave her hands one final squeeze before letting go.
Her heart sank in dread to the pit of her stomach. “Just tell me.”
She watched in confusion as he took a step back as if he were physically distancing himself in case she lashed out. For some odd reason, the action pulled at her heartstrings.
“See it from my perspective. I’ve always followed your lead in most things between us even when I haven’t entirely agreed. This marriage, the distance in our friendship and the termination of it. Then there was the night we had in the Room of Requirement and the sudden parting of ways with the agreement to never speak of it again. I’ve respected each and every one of your decisions and gave you the space I thought you needed to regroup.” His eyes shined with some unnamed emotion. “But was it wrong for me to hope that you would come to your senses and finally come back to me?”
Lily’s heart squeezed. She felt breathless.
Severus raised his hands as if to convey the sincerity of his words. “Even now, is it a crime to feel betrayed every time you return back to Potter when I’ve known you’ve been mine all along. To feel hurt that you consider his heartbreak but not mine? To know, that you would have married him anyway knowing how he’s took the only safe haven I had left,” he ghosted his hand over her cheek to caress but never touched it, “and the only light I have left in my life?”
As if he just recalled himself, he curled his fingers into a fist and returned it to his side.
“I don’t know how heartless you perceive me, but know I’ll only admit this to you. I feel too.” He had a faraway look in his face. “The strongest feelings I have ever felt has always been with you, since the very beginning.”
Lily’s eyes watered as she raised her clenched hand over her heart.
“I’ll wait for you, but know that I’ll still hope…”
