Fuck, Marry, Kill: Harry Potter Edition
This is surprisingly difficult.
The only thing stopping me from choosing to fuck Bellatrix is the saying "Don't stick your dick in crazy", so I'm gonna have to choose to kill her.
With that out of the way, between Lucius and Narcissa... well, I don't want to be married to a Death Eater, so I'd probably have to choose fucking Lucius and marrying Narcissa.
Okay, I think I've got a fairly difficult new three: Draco Malfoy, James Potter, and Cormac McLaggen
Oh, that's easy!
Fuck Cormac. He's annoying and not too intelligent, but he's also strong and athletic. Might be halfway decent in the sack.
Marry Draco. Plenty of family money, and he does mellow out as he gets older.
Kill James. Also has family money, but (thanks in part to @thegestaltprince) I'm thoroughly convinced he's a sociopath. Also, he bullied Severus. To quote Randy Jackson, "That's a no from me, dawg".
Next three: Lily, Hermione, Luna
This one’s hard.
of the three, if I absolutely have to, I’ll have to kill Lily. Luna and Hermione aren’t characters that I could put in that situation, although it is very close between Lily and Hermione.
I’d probably choose to fuck Luna and marry Hermione; while I like Luna, I don’t really see her as someone I could marry.
Next three: Vernon, Filch, and Peeves (if he could die)
You really are evil, though I'll go with it. 😄
Fuck Filch. Gross, but I can't deal with him long term.
Marry Vernon. As repulsive as he is, he's at least a good provider who does his best to take care of his family.
Kill Peeves. I fucking LOATHE him. Easy choice.
Next three…
Quirrell, Lockhart, Moody
Marry Moody, that man is vigilant.
Fuck Lockhart. He’s technically the most attractive of the three.
Kill Quirrel, but only because Voldemort.
Dumbledore, McGonagall, Flitwick
Probably gonna have to kill Dumbledore (I don't need to see him naked, thank you very much), fuck Flitwick (I'd only have to see him naked once), and marry McGonagall (because she's McGonagall).
Petunia, Aunt Marge, Umbridge
Have I mentioned that you are absolutely EVIL at this game? 😂
Fuck Umbridge
Marry Petunia
Kill Aunt Marge
we've already established that Petunia would be a good wife. I also don't think she's a horrible person outside her prejudice toward magic (which is understandable, even if she's not exactly great at coping with it). Marge, on the other hand, really has no excuse for being so vile toward Harry… she doesn't know about the magic, so from her, it's just plain bullying/cruelty.
Umbridge is despicable, too, and I can't believe you managed to come up with a scenario where I would fuck her. Between the two of them though, yeah… I find Marge just a little more repulsive.
Neville Longbottom, Colin Creevy, Lavender Brown
Kill Colin (sorry), fuck Lavendar (she's apparently quite enthusiastic), marry Neville (for the professor money, also the garden would probably look fantastic).
Madam Pomfrey, Madam Pince, Madam Hooch
Fuck Madam Hooch, she plays quidditch and could be a good shag
Marry Madam Pomfrey - Sweet healer lady and I am sucker for caring women
Kill Madam Pince - Odd one out and someone gets the boot
Now the battle of bullies -
Tom Riddle, James Potter, Draco Malfoy
