Fuck, Marry, Kill: Harry Potter Edition
Fuck Lily Evans - She is hot and I don't like many of her known traits for anything more than that.
Marry Eileen Prince - To keep her happy and she would thrive from being away from abusive Tobias. Also I would adopt little Sev to give him a good childhood and parental love.
Kill Merope Gaunt - Though I did feel for her tragic death, she gets the boot for her immortal use of a love potion.
Now choose among the Ministers of Magic - Cornelius Fudge, Rufus Scrimgeour, Pius Thicknesse
Kill Fudge. While he lasted longer than the other two, he's not a very good minister.
Fuck Pius. His last name is Thicknesse; why would I not?
Marry Scrimgeour, by process of elimination.
Cedric, Luna, Tonks
Fuck Tonks. I just can't see any way to lose on this one.
Marry Luna. She's sweet and lovely and you would literally never again be bored.
Kill Cedric. Ah. Well. I'm sorry about this one actually, but you see process of elimination, sorry bud.
Ok, how about some mean sidekicks:
Pansy Parkinson, Piers Polkiss, Peter Pettigrew
Kill Peter (because he's a murderer), fuck Piers (don't want to marry him), marry Pansy (not happy with it, but it is what it is).
Dobby, Kreacher, Winky
Kill Winky - I just don't like her much
Marry Dobby - My favourite house elf of the series, can take care of all my household needs and keep me well fed and happy
Fuck Kreacher - By process of elimination and Fuck Kreacher
Now choose from - Dragon, Basilisk, Nundu
Oh boy this one's interesting!
Fuck the Nundu; can you imagine putting that you survived that on your resume?? Instant Auror job for suure
Kill the Basilisk: also good for the resume, and has some expensive potions ingrediants to get rich off of
Marry the Dragon; whats yours is mine still applies... right? cause if so then I get riiich. Also theoretically possible to survive mating with regularly, whereas a Basilisk... naaah (also I would become petrified, which wouldn't be very fun)
Next 3;
Molly Weasley, Antonin Dolohov, and Barty Crouch Jr. Don't think these have come up 🙂
Fuck Barty Crouch Jr - He was hot and only reason I am not marrying him is due to his daddy issues and mental instability.
Marry Antonin Dolohov - I like the dark, bad boys and he sounds attractive. He is higher up in Voldemort's cult so he can keep all my demands.
Kill Molly Weasley - I don't like her, she seems to be one of those intrusive parents and I can't put up with all her crap. Also I can't take her away from Arthur so she gets the bullet.
Now choose among - Minerva McGonagall, Pomona Sprout, Sybill Trelawney
Fuck the McGonagall because I like her but don't want the long term commitment.
Marry the Sprout because she is a nice Hufflepuff.
Kill the Trelawney because I can.
Choose among the Quirinus Quirrell, Dolores Umbridge, Alecto Carrow
Kill Dolores Umbridge - because she is Umbridge
Marry Quirinus Quirrel - at least, the version of him before the Snake face behind the head
Fuck Alecto Carrow - by the process of elimination
Now battle of the Dark wizards - Lord Voldemort, Gellert Grindelwald, Herpo the Foul
Fuck Lord Voldemort -- would probably be a very unpleasant experience, but at least it would be over eventually. And hell, if we're talking younger Voldemort, he was actually supposedly handsome, so at least he has that going for him.
Marry Gellert -- he seemed to want to rule the world with his Greater Good mantra and I can't see him treat me, a lowly Muggle, all that kindly. But at least I wouldn't have to deal with daily doses of Crucio or similar.
Kill Herpo the Foul -- Yeah, I wouldn't want to deal with the guy who came up with the idea of Horcruxes, who knows what other insanity he cooked up? At least I know what to expect from Voldemort and to a lesser extent Gellert.
James, Sirius, Peter.
